With all the life spring cleaning I've been doing lately, I've been paying close attention to things that cause me a lot of anxiety...and also noticing some patterns emerge. In particular, surrounding permission.
I've only had three sessions with my nutritionist so far, and one of the things I'm working on is giving myself permission before every meal to a) eat, and b) eat as much as I want. There are a variety of reasons for this, but they all come back to learning to become a competent eater.
But this permission concept has been popping up a lot lately for me--enough so that I've taken notice and really thought about it. A few months ago I was upset about some plans going awry, and in complaining to a friend about why it had me freaking out so badly, I explained certain issues and then said, "And now I'm going to have to explain to all these people why I won't fly." And she said simply, "No, you don't. That's no one's business but yours. You say you don't want to fly; that's all they need to know."
Similarly, a few months ago I made the choice to no longer participate in something, and I was stressing about having to explain the plethora of reasons for my decision (some of which weren't going to win me popularity points). Same friend reminded me that no, I didn't have to. Saying "no" is enough.
Intellectually, I know these things. I know I have choice. I know I have options. I know obligations are a pressure I put on myself and I *can* say no.
So why is it so difficult sometimes?
You know, I'm not sure. But I do know that right now, I need to give myself permission for things. To eat the foods I want to eat and--equally important--not eat the foods I don't want to eat. (I'm a notoriously picky eater and it causes me a lot of anxiety to feel pressured to eat things outside of my comfort zones.) Permission not justify or explain myself to people when it isn't actually important for them to know something that's only relevant to me.
And I'm carrying it into writing as well. I've written next to nothing since February and I was beating myself up about it. I wanted X done in a month, Y well underway, Z chapters written and posted for readers. But being under that pressure wasn't helping me--it was sucking the joy out of everything I was doing.
So I have permission to never publish another word if I don't want to. I have permission to take as much time as I need to recharge my batteries. I'm not obligated to share my work with friends who don't enjoy or appreciate it. And while I don't like that CotA readers have no new chapter on the horizons for yet another month, feeling bad about it wasn't getting those chapters written either, so I have permission to relax and take a break.
In short, I have permission to be happy, and if I'm not, I can actively make choices that *will* make me happy. Sometimes taking the pressure off myself opens things up (in fact, once I tell myself I don't have to eat something I don't want to eat, I'm more willing to try it). Sometimes not. But here's me having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
A few weeks ago we hired a company minion...eer "Executive Assistant" (but her business cards say Professional Minion). She's the official assistant for me, my boss, and the art director, and her sole job is to answer questions and help get problems resolved.
She doesn't create policies. She doesn't run things. She filters hundreds of emails that come in and tracks replies to facilitate communication and expedite responses.
In short, she's everyone's friend. So why in the hell have many people been so rude to her?
(Isn't she sweet and adorable? Don't you just want to be super nice and friendly with her?)
I used to work at a convenience store as a clerk. And I had lots of people (customers and some delivery men) yell at me. They didn't like the prices, we didn't stock an item they wanted, my boss had a quarrel with a supplier and I got caught in the middle, the Bingo prize was a free ticket and not cash the winner wanted. All these problems and people flipped out on ME.
Well, I would shrug and say, "I just work here."
I don't know why anyone needs to get short with someone who is not a manager, who doesn't control anything, and who doesn't make policies. Look, I know I have the reputation as a bitch (which Jaime doesn't agree with, so clearly she is insanely awesome...or awesomely insane). I'm really not; only the stupid, rude, or incompetent incur my wrath. You know who I never yell at? Wait staff, secretaries, customer service people, etc. Awhile ago iTunes fucking pissed me off because I wanted ONE app for my iPod to help with work stuff and they wouldn't take PayPal or a gift card (and I don't have a credit card). When I wrote in to complain about their stupid policy, do you think I screamed at the poor girl who answered my complaint? Fuck no. She doesn't run iTunes Canada; she just works there. I was polite and thanked her for her help. Because that's how you treat another human being who is just doing her job.
And you know, my experience has been that pissy/demanding (and worse) emails don't get answered any faster than the nice ones. Why? For me, pissy ones take a long time to respond to because my first instinct is "Fight! Kill! Go for the throat!" when set off, so I usually have to set those emails aside for several hours until I calm down (else I wouldn't have the reputation as a bitch--I'd have the reputation as a psycho). And while the minion is nicer than I am, she won't be for long if she has to keep dealing with irate people who are far more short with her than they would *ever* be with me (and I'd deserve it more than her).
I guess what it comes down to is that I don't understand the need for bullying behaviour in adults. I don't understand the lack of politeness. While I don't take bullshit from people, that isn't the same as not having common decency. I realize we believe that douche bag attitudes sprang up with the invention of the internet, but my mum worked in customer service for thirty years and people were fucking rude back then too.
Now, this isn't to say that everyone has been rude with the assistant. Many, many have been pleasant and polite, and I have no wish to paint everyone with the same brush stroke. But I'm noticing a trend of, "You're available and I'm mad about something, so I'm going to take it out on you and/or send you six emails a day complaining about something that's out of your control."
That's not cool. That's childish.
We all get frustrated and annoyed. But of the myriad of ways of dealing with it and expressing oneself, there's no need to take it out on one's children, pets, or people just doing their goddamn jobs. So no matter where you are or what you're doing, think twice before you go off on someone in a lower level position who has nothing to do with whatever is pissing you off. Because that person just works there and doesn't deserve the abuse.
There's a pause button on life, right? Something I can press to just let me get caught up? How about "restart level"? That would be handy.
I think I play too many video games.
Last weekend was the slush pile survivor workshop, which I ran with a fellow editor. It was lots of fun and we got great feedback. Of course, that also meant we were busy prepping from mid last week straight until the day of the workshop. Then I got a headache Saturday night, which continued until yesterday (at which point I realized it was coffee withdrawal, and promptly pumped caffeine into my veins), so I spent Sunday in bed reading.
I had 330 emails to deal with Monday morning.
A bunch of them, as I scroll through, are from the same people asking the same questions because I haven't answered yet. I'm totally stuck with how to address this kind of thing. Am I supposed to have an auto-responder saying "I swear I got your email--just give me a few days to get you an answer"? Am I supposed to email everyone I know every time there's life stuff going on/illness/etc to say "If you send me something, I won't get back to you until next week"? Should I add a block to my blog that has a current Skyla update?
I have no answers, beyond "get a secretary" but that's not an option at this point. But stupid February was all sneaky again and ended without me finishing the stuff I had to get done for February. I don't even have the latest CotA chapter ready to go, so that'll likely have to wait until the end of the week. Ugh.
Now. Round up of links.
Publishing/Writing Stuff:
* Adrienne Jones talks about the inspiration behind her novel The Hoax. Mundania is re-releasing it shortly, revised and with a snazzy new cover. I'll tell you when it's available so that you can buy it because Adrienne is awesome.
* Mundania is closed to submissions still. Normally we re-open in March, but there's just too much going on right now and it wouldn't be fair to hold subs for a few months before we have time to evaluate them. This time, we're waiting until June. And yet I'm still getting subs and questions from people about it. Writers, it should go without saying, but: when the info on the submissions page of a publisher's site contradicts sub info from another website, go with what the submissions page says.
Many authors feel differently than me and Jaime, and a host of others. Now, although I think writers should have a united front on this, I don't feel it's my place to tell others how to feel about their work being stolen.
Do you get that? It's not my place to tell others how to feel.
Some don't see piracy as a big deal. Maybe they don't have to rely on their writing income for bills (my royalties this month can cover groceries so I'm THRILLED) and they're happy just to be read. Maybe they see no problem with the work being shared around freely and they feel that a reader gained is a reader gained, even if it happens illegally.
Okay. Great. That's valid and fine for them. But that's the beauty of intellectual property rights: the creator can choose how and when the work is reproduced. The creator can say, "Sure--pirate away!" So while I won't tell others how *they* should feel about their work being freely shared, by the same token I'd prefer if they didn't tell Jaime and me how to feel either. You know what? If someone obtains my work via illegal mass downloads, I don't see the simple "oh well, I gained a reader--who cares if they didn't pay for my product?" view. Writing is part of my job. I'm well within my legal--and moral--rights to expect payment for the entertainment I provide. So if someone refuses to obtain my work legally, I don't *want* them as a reader. I don't want them as a fan. I'd rather not be read than have my work pirated. And I have every right to feel that way and express my opinion--without others trying to silence me--as the owner of the intellectual property rights of my work. So for those who would like to tell me and Jaime how to feel about piracy, you can go fuck yourself with a fucking loaf of bread.
Next.
* Ana Winson's new website is live. Ana has been my cover artist for Bloodlines, the award-winning Wolfe, and the re-release of River. Go visit!
* Depression kills. Suicide is not people being "selfish" and every time someone repeats that myth, it further distances people at risk from those they care about. Suicide is what happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain. If you're worried about someone you know being suicidal, give them more resources to cope with pain, or help lessen their pain. Don't tell them they're being "selfish."
"It's not easy breaking out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place, but let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will."
~Sue Sylvester, Glee ep 4.
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I want to be Sue when I grow up.
I was going to pontificate further, but you know, I'm going to go sit in a hot bubble bath instead, breathe in some lemongrass oil, and pretend I'm going to have an epiphany when in reality I'm just going to stress and think myself in circles.
I gotta get blogging more. I'm just really lazy and typically post links on Twitter to whatever I'm interested in, rather than do a proper blog post. But anyways, I'm going to try to do a round up post on Sundays of nifty, random stuff.
In Skyla News, I was on limited office hours this week due to really bad wrist pain, which flares up if I don't take enough breaks for several weeks. So...ouch. And in writing news, I've been suffering a whiny case of, "Writing is hard--waaaaah!" so I've pretty much kept to myself. I don't understand why staring blankly at the screen doesn't make words appear...
First up, publishing/writing stuff.
* A great piece on writers' expectations and publishing. I love this piece. It addresses the obsession with instant success stories (which I've talked a bit about before) and the whiny "Why do crappy books get published?" thing that everyone says. And it was summed up best by the awesome Julie Butcher: "So if we're hard-heads, we win?" Yep.
* Lili's Friday writing post about the fear that characters will stop talking to you if you're happier and don't share their pain. And it's a fantastic post because I've had that fear for years. I'm viewing shitty life experiences now as "taking one for the team"--they've allowed me to go to a very dark place and transform those feelings and experiences into something cathartic for others. In short, I feel like my best books are the ones I write for fellow damaged people. So if I actively work on being happier and healthier, can I still write effectively for the damaged? I don't know. But it's worth a shot.
* I wrote on the MP blog about my author checklist. This is something I've heard a LOT of editors talk about--what type of writers do they want to work with...and who do they REALLY not want around? I came up with nine qualities I've encountered that make me twitchy. I also encourage writers to come up with their checklist for publishers. I think we all have to be clear about what our expectations are for one another to make the best match possible, because really, that's how a book is going to be successful--when both parties are on the same page. I expect someone's going to get bent out of shape over it but, you know, someone's gotta say these things.
* Follow The Pixel Project on Twitter. Every night they tweet helplines from all over the world to DV shelters. Retweet the numbers and you could save a life.
You know, I have some real problems with romance sometimes.
First, don't slap me. I don't look down on the genre (and romance writers make a killing, so I envy that), and I like some mushy stuff as much as the next person. But I'm coming at this as an acquiring editor who sees a LOT of romance novels.
What bothers be about romance is that a) too often I see shortcuts taken instead of development of a real love story, and b) there's a predictability immediately (when I say "romance" we all think "boy meets girl, they have obstacles, they live happily ever after).
Well, okay, and c) it almost always consists of white, heteronormative pairings that reinforce rigid gender stereotypes and that makes Skyla's head go BOOM! But that's another talk for another day.
There are fantastic romances out there, but doing acquisitions for our romance imprint, I see the same things over and over. They are Soul Mates so they will automatically fall in love and have their HEA, regardless of what their personalities are like. The have no lives, no desires, outside of their own relationship. Everyone's goal is a diamond ring at the end. I never doubt, even once, that the boy will get the girl and they'll live on and on with no struggles forever and ever. And they're all white straight people.
You know what? No.
Love is messy. Love is hard. Love happens between people unexpectedly. Love doesn't always lead to a happily ever after. At it's best, love can help you rise above things; at it's worse, it'll suck out your soul and make you a crazy person.
As a reader, and an acquiring editor, I don't want to read about flowers and candles and That Perfect Someone. I *want* that unpredictability as two strong personalities struggle to make room for one another. I don't want that security of knowing it'll all be okay, because, you know, I'm a grown-up and I *know* there's no HEA for people who don't work for it. I don't want to read lazy writing.
And as a writer...I can't write romance to save my life. If I could, I would, then add some hawt sex and make a bundle. But I always have a love story in my work because I'm a Libra and I have love on the brain. Romance, though? Nope.
And here's the review of one of my books that got me thinking about this:
"One thing is certain beyond any doubt: Wolfe is a stunningly good book. ...[snip]... What I was less certain of as I read, was whether Wolfe can be described as a romance. The story focuses primarily on River. She is not by any stretch of the imagination your average heroine, and though the plot revolves around her struggle to rejoin the were she had chosen as lifelong mate, her animal-like personality and pragmatic approach to life precludes the standard sex-obsessed main characters that tend to populate the hotter romances. Daryl, her chosen mate, is removed from River for the biggest part of the book.
However, I would implore all fans of romance to buy this book and read it, because while it is not your average romance novel, it is a story about love. Not just the happily-ever-after fairy tale kind, the real kind, the sort of love that takes two people and cements them together in relationships that are like lighthouses on rocky shores.
In a world where too often ‘romance’ is synonymous with ‘superficial’, Wolfe is a tale that runs deeper. It was only once I’d put the book down that I realised through the absorbing entertainment, frequent laughs, and thought-provoking emotional pieces, Skyla Dawn Cameron had gently led me as reader through a thorough study of a raw, real, committed love.
To have a reviewer that Gets It is a wonderful thing--to have a reviewer put it so eloquently and quotable is one in a million.
I write about werewolves and vampires and zombie romantic comedies and all kinds of silly things. But all that stuff is window dressing. Beneath it all, I'm trying to write about people and those Real Things we all go through. Like love. And I'd love more writers to get it through their heads that their job isn't to repeat genre tropes, it's to tell a meaningful story that feels real to the reader.
So I don't write romance. I write loves stories (amidst all the killing and violence and Damaged Main Characters [TM]). And some days, at least for some readers, I get it right. This is a Good Thing.
(Also, that picture is--obviously--not the Wolfe book cover...it's the promo poster I made featuring the two MC's.)
The lovely Shayne Winters and I had a beer at the pub today (well, she had Pepsi because she's the designated driver) and got talking about, of course, publishing because that's just what two writers/editors do. We're interesting like that.
We got discussing the multitude advice out there. Everyone has some and they REALLY want to dish it out. And often they seem like they know wtf they're talking about.
And the simple truth is that every writer out there is hungry for The Secret. The handshake, the password, the golden ticket, that ONE thing that's going to get them in the door and published.
The truth? Write a book that people want to read, and write it well.
There are lots of other factors (be professional and not a twat, follow the guidelines, have a website, put your left foot in and take your left foot out, blah blah). But everyone wants to look at all those little factors and NOT the important one: write well and make it something people want to read.
That self promotion thing? It's all well and good but the truth is that no one knows, for sure, what exactly works there. What works for me won't necessarily work for you. You can do as much or as little as me and see totally different results. There are ways to promote well, yes, but that's not a guarantee it'll be effective. The beautiful website? Kids, every agent and editor agrees that a web presence is a must, but we've still contracted authors without having a site yet. There's nothing on the "do we sign this person?" checklist for an active blog.
All the other pre-publishing advice? That din of noise with everyone telling you this and that? Look kids, I talk a lot about the other factors here because I'm already assuming that you're writing well. So I stress the guidelines, I tell you to buck up and not whine, I warn about the many frustrations in the industry. But following the guidelines is not magically going to make someone accept your book if the book sucks. Being a nice, funny person isn't going to magically make someone accept your book if the books sucks. Having teh most fabulous website or doing the hokey pokey isn't going to magically make someone accept your book. Previous publishing credits, legit or otherwise, won't magically make someone take your next book.
If you're looking for a shortcut and ignoring that important piece of the puzzle--the book--that tells me you don't have enough confidence in your work to let it stand on your own. That should tell YOU that you have a problem, and no number of acceptance letters will solve it for you.
So. Advice. Who do you listen to in the din? Agents say one thing, which sometimes overlaps with editors, and then authors say something that may or may not match with what you've just heard and, oh yeah, all those unpublished people have opinions and speak loudly too. It's getting pretty noisy out there.
Well, what kind of writer do you want to be?
Play a game with me for a moment. What kind of writer do you want to be like? Not whose books are like yours, necessarily, but who has the career you'd love?
Shayne and I played this game today over Keith's White (not as good as Rickards, btw) and Pepsi. I said, hands down, I want to be Lilith Saintcrow when I grow up. Besides her utterly honest and gracious online persona (okay, so I'll never have that going for me), I greatly admire both her work ethic and her writing ability. She writes wonderful books with emotional resonance wrapped in an entertaining package, she puts out a couple a year without sacrificing quality, and she manages to support her family doing it. That's the kind of career I want; that's the kind of writer I want to be. So when Lili posts her Friday writing blog posts, I'm there. I'm listening. No two writers will ever have the same career path, but I know that if I want to be the kind of writer who lives off of fiction writing and puts out a couple books a year, I need to pay attention to what writers like her are doing.
Shayne is taking Holly Lisle's Think Sideways course. Ms. Lisle is someone who has dozens of books published and Shayne really admires her ability to work under deadlines, keep producing quality work, and how she conquers the challenges of being a working, professional writer. She says the course has been invaluable to her.
So when you, gentle reader who is also a writer, are wondering whose advice to take when it's all loud and a little conflicting, MY advice (and it really is just that) is to think about where you want your career to go. Are you the hobbyist who dabbles in different areas for fun? Listen to dabbling hobbyists--you'll make great friends and enjoy yourself. Are you the Great Canadian Novelist who puts out one book every three years? Find the authors like that and pay attention to their stories of how they got there (and then tell me who they are 'cause I have no fucking clue). Do you want to support your family as a working fiction writer? Obviously, checking out advice from Lili and Holly would be a good start.
Looking for the quick fix? Drawn to the stories of instant success, the exceptions to the rule?
Folks, if the rule is that hard work, talent, and perseverance lead to publication, please explain to me WHY you would like to be the exception to that? Or, better yet, ask *yourself* why you don't think this craft, this calling, is worth your blood, sweat, and tears.
Because my opinion? Writing is worth the pain and effort that I put into it, and the quick path to success isn't fucking good enough for me. My advice? If you don't feel the same, go buy a lotto ticket 'cause I don't think you belong in this field.
(Isn't she sweet and adorable? Don't you just want to be super nice and friendly with her?)
"One thing is certain beyond any doubt: Wolfe is a stunningly good book. ...[snip]... What I was less certain of as I read, was whether Wolfe can be described as a romance. The story focuses primarily on River. She is not by any stretch of the imagination your average heroine, and though the plot revolves around her struggle to rejoin the were she had chosen as lifelong mate, her animal-like personality and pragmatic approach to life precludes the standard sex-obsessed main characters that tend to populate the hotter romances. Daryl, her chosen mate, is removed from River for the biggest part of the book.
