How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101

Welcome to a new edition of my bi-weekly blog column, How NOT To Be A Douche Bag Author 101! This is where I give some snarky advice to hapless writers who don't want to make fools of themselves in the publishing world.

Warning: this column will regularly feature lots of profanity. So Sensitive Speshul Snowflakes can go elsewhere.

Today's edition is about being a douche bag tattletale.

You see, after the previous edition, I learned that not everyone wants to know HNTBADBA101.

Some people are offended by it.

So some people ran to my boss to complain. Or, rather, one person, because everyone else on the goddamn planet seems to GET THE HUMOUR.

The complaint was that my language is "unprofessional."

Well, you see, my original column title was going to be "How to NOT Be A Whiny Fucktard Author Everyone Wants to Drown 101" but that seemed a little too much. So I opted for "douche bag".

Now, here's something REALLY important people seemed to have missed: this is my blog. It's not a company blog. I'm not speaking on behalf of anyone other than myself.

This means my work boss is not my blog boss.

OMG! What a shocker!

If you don't like my language, don't read my fucking blog.

Some people are incapable of such common sense. And there are authors we deal with all the time who get all bent out of shape over something (generally during editing when I tell them to get over themselves and listen to the fucking editor) and decide to run and tattle to my boss. This usually comes in the form of a douche bag author suddenly copying the boss on a big long rant sent to me complaining that I called them out on douche bag author behaviour.

Boys and girls, if you think the boss doesn't ALREADY know I'm having a problem with someone and the circumstances, you're quite mistaken.

We communicate regularly. This consists of, "Uh, So-and-So is being a bit of a lunatic. Just in case they come bitching to you." See, communication is good. That's why I spend so much of my time writing columns like these, in addition to all the articles on the company blog about our submissions process and that.

FYI: if someone is the boss, they're REALLY. FUCKING. BUSY. They're dealing with more important shit than what ever little thing has your panties in a wad. And you know what happens when you try to go over someone's head to the boss? Your message gets bumped right back to whoever you went over. And they will then know that you're a douche bag.

Now, if you're horribly offended by the things I say but would still like publishing advice, please visit our actual COMPANY blog right here and get the non-profane version of things. And if you think that I am just SO unprofessional and need to be taught a lesson, at least have the fucking ovaries to say something to ME. Don't be that whiny kid who runs to the teacher, because this isn't elementary school.

Some authors haven't figured out that they're grownups yet.

These people are douche bags.

Don't be one.

Brand New Disclaimer! The opinions expressed herein are those of the person who wrote them and in no way represent any company anywhere on the planet. If you don't like it, and can't take this kind of humour, kindly walk away and don't be a fucktard.

For past issues, please head here.